Tuesday, August 26, 2008

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I've struggled with this my entire adult life, I've never really known what I want to do. I'm not particularly good at any one thing.

When I was in elementary school I wanted to be a photographer...and while I still love taking pictures and have gotten better, I don't have enough of an eye for it to actually pursue it. It's a fun hobby though.

When I was in middle/high school and even college I wanted to be a writer. I guess in some ways I still do...but again, I'm not sure I have knack for it. I think I'm okay, I can at the very least string a sentence or two together.

As an adult, I really just want to be a good wife and mother...but I worry that at some point these boys are going to leave and then what? What am I left with? I'll still be a wife...but I'm not exactly the domestic goddess. I don't see myself sitting around knitting baby clothes for future grandchildren. I guess I just don't want to regret not doing something else...but what?

This all stems from the fact that my maternity leave is over. I called my boss and officially told him I'd be back to work on Tuesday. I'm not ready...I'm sad that my little man is going to Kindergarten and I'm sad that I'm going to have to leave my baby boy 3 days a week. Yes, he'll be with Grandma and she loves him dearly...but it's not the same. And I know that I'm am one lucky girl to only have to work 3 days a week...in my head, I know this...and maybe if I enjoyed my job or if it was a career rather then just something to pay the bills, I'd feel better. Maybe if it was in a company where there was room to move up...but it's not.

So I guess it's time to figure out what I want to do...really want to do...for myself and for my family. Of course the other big obstacle is that I hate school...I hate everything about sitting in a classroom. In big classes I get bored and in smaller ones I'm self conscious and don't want to speak up. Of course it's been over 6 years since I tried...but I doubt those two things have changed.

Damn, why didn't I do what I said I was going to in high school. Sleep with a married, wealthy, high profile politician and then black mail him. Damn I missed the boat on that one.


natalie said...

You will figure something out that will make you happy. I think everyone struggles with this...even though it seems to come easier for others.

(And you cracked me up about sleeping with the wealthy man! haha! It would've been the perfect idea!)

Karol said...

Yeah, we both missed the wealthy-married-man-boat ALONG time ago!!! Damn.

You'll figure it out. I know you will. I'm still working on that area also....

Love you!

kccat said...

I feel ya on this whole topic. I definately have different interests that I would like to explore in regards to a career but.......(insert many many reasons here). Sleeping with wealthy man is way easier though ;) Good answer.

Annegirrl said...

I hate school too. If you go back, I'll go back. We can study together and then maybe our husbands will let us sleep over on the weekends. :)