I can't make this stuff up

Let's start with the toad.
The toad that is missing. In my house.

Now, you'd probably assume this was the fault of one of my children...but no. It's all HH and I. We're talented like that.
My brother bought T1 a Firebelly Toad and sent it home in a small little tank. While trying to figure out when to feed it (T1 was insisting every day...that seemed like a lot for such a little toad) HH found out they're supposed to be in a 10 gallon tank. The logical chain of events would be to go to the pet store the following day and purchase a new tank. Oh no, not in this house. HH comes down with a rubbermaid container, it's one of the small tall one used to hold 8x10 scrapbook paper...which he emptied. He filled it with water, got sticks and rocks and put it on the table. Toad's new home. Except he couldn't put the lid on all the way and the little sucker got on the rock, dried out and the climbed up the edge and hopped out. I found him on the edge once and got him back in...I thought I moved the lid enough so that he still had air but couldn't get out...I was wrong. The next morning, no toad. Yesterday...no toad. Today...no toad. So I probably have a decaying toad somewhere in my house, most likely in a vent. Lovely, isn't it? And I can't even blame the kids.

Oh, it gets better folks!

Last friday I stopped at a local bakery and picked up a few goodies for a playdate, except I didn't have enough cash...Klassy...after digging through my purse I was still 45 cents short and he said I could bring it in next time. Nice guy. In my defense, who doesn't take credit these days?! Anyway I stopped in yesterday morning, I bought a few brownies for my parents and headed out to drop T1 at school and T2 with grandma. I ate a chocolate brownie with peanut butter icing, in the car, for breakfast. After, I met a group of moms from T2's school for coffee and ate an apple turnover. Jared and I then decided that night to go out for Mexican, where I had enchiladas and followed it up with fried ice cream. Can you say heffer?
This morning I woke up late, probably b/c I was in a food induced coma and coming down off all the sugar from yesterday. Trying to leave the house, already 5 mins later then I needed to be out of the house, I couldn't find my keys. I searched...no keys. I tell HH he needs to take T1 to school and of course just as he's finally dressed I find them. On the entertainment center in the play room, exactly where I put them when we walked in last night and I put T2 down and started a movie for him while we did T1's spelling words.

Yes, it would be nice to blame the kids for missing keys...but again, I can't.
And yes, I put my 15 month old in front of the tv.

So....
I finally ran out of the house in paint covered yoga pants that I slept in, that have a hole at the seam a little too close to my lady business...a tshirt with with a sweatershirt over it and flip flops. No bra...hair in ponytail. I was Klassy with a capital K, let me tell ya. Except, oh wait...we're late for school. I have to WALK HIM IN, sign in and walk him up to his class. Oh yea...and the new director that I haven't officially met yet, is in the office...and there are assorted teachers...and did I mention I'm a new board member?! My only saving grace is that T2 was on my hip, hopefully covering the bouncing girls and distracting everyone by being cute. I took tiny steps, keeping my thighs together for fear that some preschooler would ask me why I had a hole in my pants.

Needless to say...I went straight to Starbucks after.

And you'd think the story stops there...but no. I order my coffee, go to pay and realize that HH must have put my card back in his wallet at dinner last night. So I paid for my $4.05 Grande White Mocha with $2.10 in change. I'm super cool like that!
OH WAIT!! HH just sent me a text and says he did put the card in my purse. ahhhhh!!!

I'm not proof reading...I'm sure there are mistakes but I just don't have the energy.