Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Guilt

HH tells me I'd make a great Catholic. I have guilt issues.
Basically, I feel guilty about pretty much everything, all the time.
House is a mess? I feel guilty.
Spend all day cleaning? I feel guilty because I should be working...or doing something with the kids.
Working? Oh yea, guilt. Should be doing something else.
If something doesn't get done, if I don't cook dinner, if I forget a birthday...I feel guilty. The problem is that with the guilt is a feeling of being completely and totally overwhelmed by everything.
It also means when I do accomplish something, if it's not perfect, I get really upset. If I make a new recipe and HH doens't like it...I take it personally.
I HATE this...because I know this is where it started with me and I do NOT want my boys to end up feeling this way. If I didn't LOVE something my mom did/bought me, she'd feel bad. She'd blame herself...and thus, no matter what it was, I always pretended to love it. I could never really be open with her because her feelings were hurt so easily. I'm hoping that knowing this, will help me avoid creating the same cycle with my boys. I want them to feel like they can tell me what they are thinking, I want them to feel comfortable in their own opinions and not feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me for fear that I'll breakdown.

I want to be better, I want to let go of the guilt and just accept that life isn't perfect. Sometimes the house will be messy, the kids will act out in public, work will be put off to do something fun and sometimes I'll have to tell the boys no so that I can get something else accomplished.

In my head, I know all of this...I just need to figure out the best way to let go. It's hard to break old habits.




2 comments:

natalie said...

Oh, the guilt...ugh! I think you are an amazing mother, friend, daughter, everything! :) But yes, the guilt can be awful.

Fire Wife said...

I think it's awesome that you see that this is an issue for you, more importantly WHY it's an issue, and WHY you feel you should correct it. That in & of itself is a huge step.
We all have issues like this that we're hoping to not pass on to our children, and you're working on it... what more could one ask?