We're going to see him.

Dreams

Seriously, I don't know what is going on in my subconscious, but I'd like to go back to my peaceful dreamless sleep now, thanks. Of course, if my 6 year old would keep from waking me in the middle of the night, maybe I wouldn't be having these dreams. The weird ones always come after I've been woken up and gone back to sleep.

Dream cheating.

Jared cheated on me...he came home and told me about it. I cried, I yelled, I cried some more. At some point I remember thinking that I felt totally alone and lost b/c I wasn't telling anyone what happened. Why? Because I hadn't decided if I was going to stay or not...and if I stayed, I didn't want anyone to know what happened.
You know those dreams that are so emotional and feel so real that when you wake up in the morning your body feels like you've been crying and you either want to hug someone or hit them?
Jared didn't appreciate it when I smacked him.

The fire:
Our house is on fire. Everything is burning to the ground and I grabbed the boys and put them across the street. I ran back to the house and the outside walls were gone, but yet I could reach in and grab stuff...I was screaming at people to let me grab pictures b/c I worked really hard on getting them and wasn't going to let them burn. Um, okay. Oh...and I was pissed that all my baby stuff I was going to sell this summer was burning in front of me.

Yea...I woke up saying WTF was that all about?

I normally don't even remember my dreams and if I do, it's only for a few mins before rolling over and going back to sleep.

This is not that blog

You know the one.

The awesome, witty, hilariously funny one you think of while you are in the car...day dreaming about sitting on the beach with your laptop and a margarita with nothing to worry about other then when that cute cabana boy is going to bring your refill.

Of course then your 6 year old screams from the backseat b/c he's managed to get his hand stuck under his booster seat...and the baby is crying b/c he hates you and wants you to know it.

After you are brought back to reality...you finally get both kids to stop screaming and you sit down at your computer you come to realize that the awesome, witty, hilariously funny blog that was floating around in your brain has now disappeared beneath a layer of to-do lists, thoughts on work, laundry, and exactly how to get these kids to bed now so that you don't have to deal with them. It's gone and then you have to post something like this:

A: Mommy, am I parent transport everyday now? No more YCare?
M: Yep, you're parent transport everyday.
A: YES! (excitedly)
M: (grinning like a fool) Do you like it when mommy takes you to school?
A: Eh, not really. It's kind of boring.

Ahhh...where is that cabana boy?

Dove Chocolate

I'm convinced that inside those sweet, chocolatey, foil wrapped goodness is some kind of addictive and illegal substance. That is the only reason I can fathom that I have eaten almost an entire bag of those tasty little hearts.

I ventured to Target on Sunday for a little retail therapy to cure my cabin fever. Damn those aisles of half off Valentines candy. I bought 4 bags, 2 of which I told myself are for my dad...1 is to make some goodies for the school book fair and the other is for me. I deserve chocolate, right?

So, here we are on Tuesday and I am ashamed to admit that I have eaten almost the whole damn bag. So ashamed, in fact, that I am considering going to Target and buying another bag, emptying a few and putting it in place of the almost empty one so that my husband is none the wiser.

Of course...what will I do with those ones I have to remove from that new bag...and the remaining morsels of goodness in the current bag.

Ah...jeez.

Aiden at his finest

We're in the car and Aiden tells me that there is a bird falling out of the sky. Of course I explain that the bird is not falling, it's just flying towards the trees. He thinks about this and then says "if uncle Troy shot it, it would be falling" Oy.
Um, yes but he didn't, it's just flying.
A: Sometimes it's squirrel season and uncle Troy shoots them.
M: Well, that's not very nice, you shouldn't shoot animals
A: Well, it's squirrel season
M: It's still not nice
A: It's nice for him.

...how do you argue with that??...

On Friday Aiden wakes up and says his ear hurts. We head off to the very busy Dr office b/c apparently everyone and their brother is sick right now. We waited for almost an hour, but I wasn't complaining, they were triple booked and still got us in, cheaper then stat care!
Yep, another ear infection. Time to see an ENT. Guess I should pay off that bill from when Ian saw the ENT to have his tongue clipped? Yea, that might be a good idea before going back.

After the appointment we head over to Rite Aid to get his meds. Of course our insurance company has his birthday wrong, so it's always an ordeal to get Rx's filled. As we're waiting a larger woman goes up to, again, the very busy counter. She's leaning forward and her phone rings. Aiden starts to do his little dance (poor kid has his fathers skills, I just know it) and glances up. He looks at me and says "Mommy, that's a big bootie".

Here I am, wondering if I can fit under the tiny little table covered in pamphlets until everyone has left.

I explain that we don't say things like that, it's rude...he, of course, just gives me this look like 'but, I'm not lying, it's a big bootie' (and he was right...but STILL)

She didn't hear him, but I am certain the 12 other people standing around did.

Thank goodness they figured out our insurance and we got out of there.

What do I see

I look in the mirror and what do I see?
A Wife
A Mother
A Daughter
A Sister
A Friend

I look in my heart and what do I see?

Love
Sadness
Regret
Joy
Hope

I look inside of me and what do I see?

Emptiness
Nothingness

How do you get back something you're not sure you ever had? How do you find yourself among all the other things you are destined to be? If you weren't a wife or a mother, what would you be? If you didn't have those friends or that family, what would you have? If you were completely alone in this world, could you survive? Could you find yourself, find something for yourself or would you simply disappear because without them, you are nothing?

Having an identity crisis

My blog

I feel the need to start over. wipe the slate clean...and yet b/c I have such a hard time getting rid of stuff, I don't.

So...for my whole 4 readers out there...I apologize if you see lots of randomness, even more then normal, going on around here.

It's just me...being me...indecisive as usual.