It's not about a number

It's a new year which means RESOLUTIONS!

No, not really. Not for this girl.

That being said the husband and I are trying to curb our weight gain. It's getting out of control and the fact is we are the only ones that have control over it. I like food so I'm not dieting, I'm not giving up my coffee or my chocolate. I'm not going to start some kind of crazy diet like I thought I was going to. I'm just going to try to get my shit together, stop shoving my face with crap whenever it's near me and get active.

I spent this morning writing goals on post it notes and putting them around my monitor to remind myself why I need to work hard and to not let the little things get me down. If I eat chocolate that doesn't mean I should follow it up with ice cream for dinner and a cheeseburger for dessert. It means I ate chocolate and damn was it good. If I mess up a customer order it doesn't mean I suck as a jewelry lady and should throw in the towel. It means I apologize and I work harder next time to make things right. I am my own worst enemy and it needs to stop at some point.

I was going through old pictures, trying to find one that would be a good goal. One where I remember feeling awesome about myself. One where I remember looking in the mirror and thinking I looked hot. One where I wasn't scrutinizing the picture for every out of place roll.

I couldn't find one. Not ONE!

I went back to before Ian was born, I didn't gain a ton with Aiden and I was back in my size 6-8 dress pants by the time I went back to work 6 weeks after he was born. I was the girl everyone hates. I was also 22. I'm not 22 now, I'm 32 and I'm pushing a size 16. I'm heavier then I have ever been in my entire life INCLUDING pregnancy. That's a scary and sobering thought for me....BUT I'm realizing that it's not about what size pants I fit in to. Even looking back at those pictures when I was rolling around on a beach and drinking margaritas on a girls trip...I still distinctly remember hating how I looked in a swim suit, hating that my clothes felt just a little too tight. Today? Today I would LOVE to fit in to that same swim suit. It's not about what size is on the back of my pants, it's about my mental state of mind. It's about how I FEEL when I look in the mirror. At some point I have to start loving the woman I've become, embracing the rolls my children (and my addiction to chocolate and peanut butter anything...and wine...and margaritas) have given me and do my best to just be healthy, be happy and rock my curves.