Thirteen

It's Christmas night.

Thirteen years ago was my due date with Aiden. I had just turned 22 and even though I was going to have a baby any day, I still knew nothing. I did know that he (although at the time I didn't even know he was a he!) wasn't coming that night. Call it mother's intuition or call it just being stubborn, I had plans and we were following through. We spent the morning with my parents and then headed to see Jared's family. It was snowing but it was only a 45 minute drive and we were staying over. No big deal. Both sides tried to convince us that we shouldn't go but we did anyway and it's a good thing since Aiden decided to wait another 2 weeks before making is grand entrance in to the world.

Now...now it's Christmas night 2015 and I'm sitting here going through a baby book, looking at pictures of the day my now almost teenager was born. I.have.a.teen.ager. Let that sink in.

I. Have. A. Teen. Ager. Well, in 2 weeks I will.


I just turned 35 last month and I had a really hard time with it. I didn't think I would. 25 was fine, 30 was easy...but 35? Fuck, 35 was rough. I can't say why exactly, maybe it's because I knew that it wasn't just a milestone for me. If I'm getting older these little humans that live with me and depend on me are getting older too.

So here I am. I'd love to say that I'm 35 and I'm in the best shape of my life and exactly where I'm supposed to be. You know, one of those uplifting posts that gets shared all over facebook. The truth is, I'm probably in the worst shape of my life, I'm kind of in this weird place where I'm just not sure what I'm doing and damnit, my kids are growing up too damn fast!

Thirteen years ago I didn't know much and I didn't think much beyond getting through the whole birth part of having a baby. Now...now I still don't know much but all I think about are the what ifs, the am I doing this whole parenting thing right, the questions...endless questions about what the hell I am doing in this big bad world of trying to help raise respectable young men while at the same time wanting them to be themselves. That shit is scary. Teenagers are scary!

For the next few weeks if you see me randomly tear up...or if I seem to be drinking even more wine than usual, you'll know why.

In the meantime...I have an epic birthday party that needs to be planned. Thirteen is big...and as such, must be celebrated to the fullest extent of my ability. And my wallet.