Step One

Wow. I wasn't even sure this blog would still be here. It's in desperate need of an update but instead of spending hours trying to pick a new theme and new pictures, avoiding what I actually want to use this platform for - I am going to leave this as is and just, write.

Every year I start out thinking this will be the year that is different. It's the year I'll start using the gym membership, the year I'll put myself first, the year I'll stop stuffing my face with chocolate for no good reason, the year I try to fix all of the things I don't understand about myself.

I don't know if that is this year, I can't make any promises at this point, but what I do know is that for the first time ever I reached out to a professional. Thank god they do emails because heaven knows I am not picking up the phone to do such things. If only I could make all appointments via email.

In the intro packet they sent it said that the first appointment will be talking about what I want to get out of our sessions.

So here we go. What do I want.
I want to feel happy again. I know at some point I was happy and there are days when I think I still am - but it's not true complete happiness where there's nothing else to worry about.

I want to figure out so much about why I do the things I do. Why do I put simple tasks off, why do I wait until the very last minute to do everything, why do I always feel like I'm not enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not a good enough mother or wife.

I'm very good at looking at others with similar issues, I'm good at figuring out what in their life started them down that path. Usually there are events that shape you but I lived a pretty typical life. I've lost people, I've had really shitty days but for the most part my life has been good...so why do I always fear the worst?

I should be excited to take this step but I'm just scared. Really fucking scared.

Here's to whatever this year brings.