I'm in way too many facebook groups and when I think about leaving, I get sucked in. Some are great, some I have no idea why I am even in there, and others are useful.
One of them had a post about jobs. What's your current job and what's your dream job.
For most people this seems to be an easy answer. If you are lucky, they're the same answer. For me though - I don't have an answer. I love what I do. I love that I'm my own boss and that I get to take ideas and make them happen for my customers. I love creating things - even if I'm not particularly creative myself. Is it my dream job though? Probably not. I say probably because I don't have one. When I was probably 10 I wanted to be a photographer. I got my first camera and I would tear through film. So many pictures. I would run around on vacation snapping pictures and videos and loving all of it. Only about half the pictures came out but I didn't care. When we had kids we bought a nice camera and I learned the very basics from real photographers. If I tried I could get some pretty kick ass pictures of my kids but I had no desire to learn more. I love to capture the moments but it's not something I dream of getting paid to do.
When I was in 6th grade I started writing a book. It was on this grey recycled paper and I remember the blue pen I had wrote so smoothly. I walked around with it in a binder and let very few people read it. I would go on to write variations of that same story throughout the years. Some I would type on my word processor and others would eventually be saved to a computer. I would never get very far. I have a friend that often asks about that original story, he's been asking for over 20 years if I finished it. I haven't. Someday maybe I will. Probably not.
I know that I express myself better in writing. I can stop and think about what I am saying and how I am saying it. I can read it over and over again to make sure it's perfect. I can't do that when I talk, once those words are out there, there's no taking them back. There's no backspace or edit option. I like writing for me but again, I don't see it being a dream.
I'm not sure what my dream is. I'm not sure I need to have one. Maybe just enjoying what I do until the next thing comes along is enough.
Tuesday, January 7, 2020
Another year
So it's been almost another year since my last post. It's been one of the craziest years of my life. I'm still not sure how I feel about it all.
I did go to counseling, a lot of counseling, for 11 months. I learned a lot. I learned that even very small things can add up to very big feelings and emotions and that's okay. There doesn't have to be some big life changing event that sets your path in life. Sometimes - a lot of times - it's just LIFE. I talked about my kids, my husband, my marriage, my parents, and even myself occasionally. I learned new coping skills and new ways of looking at things and all of the things you are supposed to learn - but I still feel like something is missing. I wanted pushed a little harder to dig a little deeper. I'm still an emotional mess, although CBD oil has been been the best thing since someone decided to mix chocolate and peanut butter. I never thought I would say that but it's been 2 months and these last few days, the days I forgot to take it, have been the most 'off' I've felt.
I did't do most of what I wanted to do last year - I never went to the gym, never kept up with writing, didn't read as many books as I wanted...but I did try to make myself a priority. I tried to talk more, to speak my truth more, to let people know how I was feeling more. It wasn't perfect, I still made lots of mistakes, and I was still sad way too much, but I made progress.
I want to make more progress this year. I want to get back to counseling, although with new insurance it's much more expensive so it won't be as often. I want to learn more about myself, I want to work on the anxiety that keeps me in bed far longer than I should be, I want to figure out some of those questions I had last year that still linger. I want to learn and grow just a little more.
I want to write more. I don't know if I'll do it or if I'll still get hung up in all the day to day bullshit but I want to try. Maybe I'll fail. Either way, I'm here for it.
I did go to counseling, a lot of counseling, for 11 months. I learned a lot. I learned that even very small things can add up to very big feelings and emotions and that's okay. There doesn't have to be some big life changing event that sets your path in life. Sometimes - a lot of times - it's just LIFE. I talked about my kids, my husband, my marriage, my parents, and even myself occasionally. I learned new coping skills and new ways of looking at things and all of the things you are supposed to learn - but I still feel like something is missing. I wanted pushed a little harder to dig a little deeper. I'm still an emotional mess, although CBD oil has been been the best thing since someone decided to mix chocolate and peanut butter. I never thought I would say that but it's been 2 months and these last few days, the days I forgot to take it, have been the most 'off' I've felt.
I did't do most of what I wanted to do last year - I never went to the gym, never kept up with writing, didn't read as many books as I wanted...but I did try to make myself a priority. I tried to talk more, to speak my truth more, to let people know how I was feeling more. It wasn't perfect, I still made lots of mistakes, and I was still sad way too much, but I made progress.
I want to make more progress this year. I want to get back to counseling, although with new insurance it's much more expensive so it won't be as often. I want to learn more about myself, I want to work on the anxiety that keeps me in bed far longer than I should be, I want to figure out some of those questions I had last year that still linger. I want to learn and grow just a little more.
I want to write more. I don't know if I'll do it or if I'll still get hung up in all the day to day bullshit but I want to try. Maybe I'll fail. Either way, I'm here for it.
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