I'm in way too many facebook groups and when I think about leaving, I get sucked in. Some are great, some I have no idea why I am even in there, and others are useful.
One of them had a post about jobs. What's your current job and what's your dream job.
For most people this seems to be an easy answer. If you are lucky, they're the same answer. For me though - I don't have an answer. I love what I do. I love that I'm my own boss and that I get to take ideas and make them happen for my customers. I love creating things - even if I'm not particularly creative myself. Is it my dream job though? Probably not. I say probably because I don't have one. When I was probably 10 I wanted to be a photographer. I got my first camera and I would tear through film. So many pictures. I would run around on vacation snapping pictures and videos and loving all of it. Only about half the pictures came out but I didn't care. When we had kids we bought a nice camera and I learned the very basics from real photographers. If I tried I could get some pretty kick ass pictures of my kids but I had no desire to learn more. I love to capture the moments but it's not something I dream of getting paid to do.
When I was in 6th grade I started writing a book. It was on this grey recycled paper and I remember the blue pen I had wrote so smoothly. I walked around with it in a binder and let very few people read it. I would go on to write variations of that same story throughout the years. Some I would type on my word processor and others would eventually be saved to a computer. I would never get very far. I have a friend that often asks about that original story, he's been asking for over 20 years if I finished it. I haven't. Someday maybe I will. Probably not.
I know that I express myself better in writing. I can stop and think about what I am saying and how I am saying it. I can read it over and over again to make sure it's perfect. I can't do that when I talk, once those words are out there, there's no taking them back. There's no backspace or edit option. I like writing for me but again, I don't see it being a dream.
I'm not sure what my dream is. I'm not sure I need to have one. Maybe just enjoying what I do until the next thing comes along is enough.
Tuesday, January 7, 2020
Another year
So it's been almost another year since my last post. It's been one of the craziest years of my life. I'm still not sure how I feel about it all.
I did go to counseling, a lot of counseling, for 11 months. I learned a lot. I learned that even very small things can add up to very big feelings and emotions and that's okay. There doesn't have to be some big life changing event that sets your path in life. Sometimes - a lot of times - it's just LIFE. I talked about my kids, my husband, my marriage, my parents, and even myself occasionally. I learned new coping skills and new ways of looking at things and all of the things you are supposed to learn - but I still feel like something is missing. I wanted pushed a little harder to dig a little deeper. I'm still an emotional mess, although CBD oil has been been the best thing since someone decided to mix chocolate and peanut butter. I never thought I would say that but it's been 2 months and these last few days, the days I forgot to take it, have been the most 'off' I've felt.
I did't do most of what I wanted to do last year - I never went to the gym, never kept up with writing, didn't read as many books as I wanted...but I did try to make myself a priority. I tried to talk more, to speak my truth more, to let people know how I was feeling more. It wasn't perfect, I still made lots of mistakes, and I was still sad way too much, but I made progress.
I want to make more progress this year. I want to get back to counseling, although with new insurance it's much more expensive so it won't be as often. I want to learn more about myself, I want to work on the anxiety that keeps me in bed far longer than I should be, I want to figure out some of those questions I had last year that still linger. I want to learn and grow just a little more.
I want to write more. I don't know if I'll do it or if I'll still get hung up in all the day to day bullshit but I want to try. Maybe I'll fail. Either way, I'm here for it.
I did go to counseling, a lot of counseling, for 11 months. I learned a lot. I learned that even very small things can add up to very big feelings and emotions and that's okay. There doesn't have to be some big life changing event that sets your path in life. Sometimes - a lot of times - it's just LIFE. I talked about my kids, my husband, my marriage, my parents, and even myself occasionally. I learned new coping skills and new ways of looking at things and all of the things you are supposed to learn - but I still feel like something is missing. I wanted pushed a little harder to dig a little deeper. I'm still an emotional mess, although CBD oil has been been the best thing since someone decided to mix chocolate and peanut butter. I never thought I would say that but it's been 2 months and these last few days, the days I forgot to take it, have been the most 'off' I've felt.
I did't do most of what I wanted to do last year - I never went to the gym, never kept up with writing, didn't read as many books as I wanted...but I did try to make myself a priority. I tried to talk more, to speak my truth more, to let people know how I was feeling more. It wasn't perfect, I still made lots of mistakes, and I was still sad way too much, but I made progress.
I want to make more progress this year. I want to get back to counseling, although with new insurance it's much more expensive so it won't be as often. I want to learn more about myself, I want to work on the anxiety that keeps me in bed far longer than I should be, I want to figure out some of those questions I had last year that still linger. I want to learn and grow just a little more.
I want to write more. I don't know if I'll do it or if I'll still get hung up in all the day to day bullshit but I want to try. Maybe I'll fail. Either way, I'm here for it.
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Step One
Wow. I wasn't even sure this blog would still be here. It's in desperate need of an update but instead of spending hours trying to pick a new theme and new pictures, avoiding what I actually want to use this platform for - I am going to leave this as is and just, write.
Every year I start out thinking this will be the year that is different. It's the year I'll start using the gym membership, the year I'll put myself first, the year I'll stop stuffing my face with chocolate for no good reason, the year I try to fix all of the things I don't understand about myself.
I don't know if that is this year, I can't make any promises at this point, but what I do know is that for the first time ever I reached out to a professional. Thank god they do emails because heaven knows I am not picking up the phone to do such things. If only I could make all appointments via email.
In the intro packet they sent it said that the first appointment will be talking about what I want to get out of our sessions.
So here we go. What do I want.
I want to feel happy again. I know at some point I was happy and there are days when I think I still am - but it's not true complete happiness where there's nothing else to worry about.
I want to figure out so much about why I do the things I do. Why do I put simple tasks off, why do I wait until the very last minute to do everything, why do I always feel like I'm not enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not a good enough mother or wife.
I'm very good at looking at others with similar issues, I'm good at figuring out what in their life started them down that path. Usually there are events that shape you but I lived a pretty typical life. I've lost people, I've had really shitty days but for the most part my life has been good...so why do I always fear the worst?
I should be excited to take this step but I'm just scared. Really fucking scared.
Here's to whatever this year brings.
Every year I start out thinking this will be the year that is different. It's the year I'll start using the gym membership, the year I'll put myself first, the year I'll stop stuffing my face with chocolate for no good reason, the year I try to fix all of the things I don't understand about myself.
I don't know if that is this year, I can't make any promises at this point, but what I do know is that for the first time ever I reached out to a professional. Thank god they do emails because heaven knows I am not picking up the phone to do such things. If only I could make all appointments via email.
In the intro packet they sent it said that the first appointment will be talking about what I want to get out of our sessions.
So here we go. What do I want.
I want to feel happy again. I know at some point I was happy and there are days when I think I still am - but it's not true complete happiness where there's nothing else to worry about.
I want to figure out so much about why I do the things I do. Why do I put simple tasks off, why do I wait until the very last minute to do everything, why do I always feel like I'm not enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not a good enough mother or wife.
I'm very good at looking at others with similar issues, I'm good at figuring out what in their life started them down that path. Usually there are events that shape you but I lived a pretty typical life. I've lost people, I've had really shitty days but for the most part my life has been good...so why do I always fear the worst?
I should be excited to take this step but I'm just scared. Really fucking scared.
Here's to whatever this year brings.
Monday, August 1, 2016
When Life (Death) Isn't Fair
We all take this thing called life for granted. We say we're not going to, we say we're going to live in the moment and take life by the horns and all of those other cliche quotes but the truth is, we don't. We let one day roll right in to the next and we assume that things will be the same when we wake up the next day. We assume that we *will* wake up the next day.
People die. It happens, circle of life and all that. I've been to more funerals than I care to think about. I've buried so many my own age, starting before I was even out of middle school. It's never easy, there's never a proper way to say "I'm sorry" to a grieving mother, father, son, daughter, sister, brother, husband, wife....it all feels so hallow. We leave those funerals with a renewed faith that we are going to be different, that starting today no more skipping the ice cream or putting off that trip we swore we would take...and yet, it happens. *LIFE* happens. Life gets in the way of living, which really seems so contradictory but it's true. We can't just do what we want, when we want, because we have obligations and the world does not simply revolve around what we want to do right now. We have other people around that depend on us, that need us to be here with them, we have work that requires us to show up and so we put it off. We say we'll schedule it, we'll plan it, we'll figure it out and then those days turn in to weeks, months, years. If you're reading this you are probably going through your mental checklist of things you thought you'd do and haven't. I'd like to tell you to drop what you're doing and go, just go right now, but I won't. I can't because I would be a fraud. I can't tel you to do something that I know I won't do myself. I know that I'll go through the motions of my life today and tomorrow I will do the same. This life that I am living though, this is good. It's not adventurous or crazy but it's good and it's mine.
Then there something happens and there's a death that just knocks you down. Hits you so hard you're not even sure you can get up. I've watched people battle cancer and fight off diseases only to lose. I've watched as families cry over losing someone they loved dearly to addiction. I've watched as children try to process what is happening and that those people are gone for good. It's sad and it's a terrible feeling of helplessness but there's something expected in those cases. Not that we ever plan on having to bury the ones we love but when there is an outside force involved, even if you don't admit it out loud, you know there is a chance. When someone is living their healthy, beautiful, amazing life one day and the very next they're gone, it's not fair. It's not right. When the choice someone else made to live recklessly leaves a husband without his wife, a son without his step-mom, a father without his daughter and so so many others without their friend...what else can you say? This life...this DEATH...it's not fair. It's not expected, there is no way to prepare our mind, our body, our soul. There's no goodbye, there's no closure.
Sometimes in life we get lucky and we have those people that we know we can count on. We know that no matter what, no matter how often we talk, no matter how many months we go without talking, they'll always be there. They will answer your texts and your calls, they'll find the time to meet you for dinner, and if you need something in the middle of the night they'll answer and ask how they can help. We lost one of those people and while maybe she wasn't my best friend she was by far one of the truest. You knew you'd get a real answer from her, no bullshit answers, no telling you what you want to hear, there was only love, kindness, laughter, smiles, tears and humanity. These real life moments, these are the ones that make you second guess everything. These are the things that make you look at your life and wonder what the fuck is going on and how is this right? How is this fair? Some would say that she is in a better place, that she was needed somewhere else, that she is now looking over us...but what if that's not what we want? What if we'd rather she be watching out for us here? I want to be like her, I want to cry and then find a way to honor her life because that is what she would do for any one of us but right now? Right now I want to be upset, I want to cry and I want to hold the ones I love just a little tighter because it's not okay. It's not right and it's certainly not fair.
People die. It happens, circle of life and all that. I've been to more funerals than I care to think about. I've buried so many my own age, starting before I was even out of middle school. It's never easy, there's never a proper way to say "I'm sorry" to a grieving mother, father, son, daughter, sister, brother, husband, wife....it all feels so hallow. We leave those funerals with a renewed faith that we are going to be different, that starting today no more skipping the ice cream or putting off that trip we swore we would take...and yet, it happens. *LIFE* happens. Life gets in the way of living, which really seems so contradictory but it's true. We can't just do what we want, when we want, because we have obligations and the world does not simply revolve around what we want to do right now. We have other people around that depend on us, that need us to be here with them, we have work that requires us to show up and so we put it off. We say we'll schedule it, we'll plan it, we'll figure it out and then those days turn in to weeks, months, years. If you're reading this you are probably going through your mental checklist of things you thought you'd do and haven't. I'd like to tell you to drop what you're doing and go, just go right now, but I won't. I can't because I would be a fraud. I can't tel you to do something that I know I won't do myself. I know that I'll go through the motions of my life today and tomorrow I will do the same. This life that I am living though, this is good. It's not adventurous or crazy but it's good and it's mine.
Then there something happens and there's a death that just knocks you down. Hits you so hard you're not even sure you can get up. I've watched people battle cancer and fight off diseases only to lose. I've watched as families cry over losing someone they loved dearly to addiction. I've watched as children try to process what is happening and that those people are gone for good. It's sad and it's a terrible feeling of helplessness but there's something expected in those cases. Not that we ever plan on having to bury the ones we love but when there is an outside force involved, even if you don't admit it out loud, you know there is a chance. When someone is living their healthy, beautiful, amazing life one day and the very next they're gone, it's not fair. It's not right. When the choice someone else made to live recklessly leaves a husband without his wife, a son without his step-mom, a father without his daughter and so so many others without their friend...what else can you say? This life...this DEATH...it's not fair. It's not expected, there is no way to prepare our mind, our body, our soul. There's no goodbye, there's no closure.
Sometimes in life we get lucky and we have those people that we know we can count on. We know that no matter what, no matter how often we talk, no matter how many months we go without talking, they'll always be there. They will answer your texts and your calls, they'll find the time to meet you for dinner, and if you need something in the middle of the night they'll answer and ask how they can help. We lost one of those people and while maybe she wasn't my best friend she was by far one of the truest. You knew you'd get a real answer from her, no bullshit answers, no telling you what you want to hear, there was only love, kindness, laughter, smiles, tears and humanity. These real life moments, these are the ones that make you second guess everything. These are the things that make you look at your life and wonder what the fuck is going on and how is this right? How is this fair? Some would say that she is in a better place, that she was needed somewhere else, that she is now looking over us...but what if that's not what we want? What if we'd rather she be watching out for us here? I want to be like her, I want to cry and then find a way to honor her life because that is what she would do for any one of us but right now? Right now I want to be upset, I want to cry and I want to hold the ones I love just a little tighter because it's not okay. It's not right and it's certainly not fair.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)